Bringing Sexy Back After Children: Rediscovering Connection and Intimacy
Becoming a parent is one of life’s most rewarding experiences, but it also brings changes that affect every aspect of your world. Before we dive into ways to improve intimacy after having kids, let’s take a moment to consider some of the reasons why connection—particularly sexual connection—may be dwindling post-baby.
1. You’re T.I.R.E.D. Need I say more?
1. Mood Changes: Estrogen and Progesterone, two hormones directly associated with postpartum mood swings, rapidly drop after childbirth. These hormones remain at lower levels for months in many women, and estrogen remains lower for the entirety of your breastfeeding journey (if you so choose to be on it). So what does this mean? It means you may be sadder, more emotional, angrier, or more irritable than your normal self.
**Disclaimer: If you’re experiencing significant distress, having trouble enjoying things, blaming yourself, feeling unhappy or sad most of the time, or have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, please reach out for professional help. You do not have to suffer alone. Please reach out to my via my website melissastonepsyd.com or for urgent help the PSI HelpLine at 1800-944-4773**
2. You’re Touched Out. Babies, toddlers, kids are often (always) all over you. While
moments like baby cuddles and kisses can be deeply fulfilling, they also heighten sensory stimulation, which can leave you feeling drained and lacking resources. You might long for time where your body is simply yours.
3. Vigilance: Your baby may be asleep, but it’s hard to switch off as a mom. It’s difficult to be in the mood when you're listening for every little whimper or cry. New moms know how easily cortisol levels can peak. Our nervous systems Do Not know the difference between being chased by a bear and our baby losing their pacifier.
4. Breastfeeding and Hormones: Breastfeeding releases prolactin, which can make orgasm more difficult. On top of that, the drop in estrogen can cause vaginal dryness—two factors that can impact sexual intimacy. In other words, double bummer.
5. Body Changes: The body you had pre-baby may feel like a distant memory. You may not feel as comfortable or confident in your new body. To put things into perspective, research shows that over 90% of new parents experience at least some of these issues (Schlagintweit, Bailey & Rosen, 2016). New parents also report lower relationship satisfaction compared to those without children (Doss & Rhoades, 2017; Keizer & Schenk, 2012). Not surprisingly, new parents also report lower levels of sexual desire, arousal, satisfaction, and frequency (Maas, McDaniel, Feinberg & Jones, 2015; McBride & Kwee, 2017).
Your body, schedule, and emotional energy that was once available for romantic connection may feel depleted. But it’s possible to bring sexy back after children. It takes intention, effort, and ashift in perspective. Here's how you can rediscover your intimate self and reignite the passion in your relationship.
1. Prioritize You/ Prioritize Self-Care
Spoiler alert, you can’t give anything to your partner if you don’t have anything left in the tank. Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is the first step in feeling sexy again. After having children, many parents, especially mothers, put their needs last. Between diaper changes, work, cooking, and the constant demands of parenting, your own well-being can fall to the bottom of the priority list.
Reclaim your energy by incorporating self-care into your routine. Realistically this could mean carving out a small chunk of time for exercise, choosing food that nourishes you, or having a small catch up with friends. I understand how limited time is in the new parenting period, so please, be realistic and kind to yourself when determining these goals. When your cup has been filled, you will naturally feel more confident and ready to engage in intimacy.
2. Communicate Openly with Your Partner
THE most important aspect of intimacy is communication. After children, the dynamic in your relationship changes. Reconnecting through honest, open conversations about your desires, needs, and fears is essential.
A study in Spain identified support, understanding, and acceptance from partners as key factors for improving sexual intimacy after having a baby (Delgado-Perez et al., 2022). Communication should not only address your sexual needs, but also your feelings. Discuss changes in your body and mind, and what makes you feel desired. It’s equally important to be receptive to your partner’s feelings and needs. Re-establishing emotional intimacy will naturally lead to more physical closeness, making both partners feel seen and appreciated.
3. The Key to Romance: Feeling Desired
Feeling desired is key to arousal for many women, according to Dr. Marta Meana, a professor of psychology and sex researcher. So how can we feel desired? The specifics vary, but for many women, intimacy begins with words. Hearing that your partner genuinely desires you (and specific compliments about what they love about you) can be a game-changer, especially with a postpartum body.
Genuine compliments and eye contact during communication can be great ways to start.
4. Focus on Physical Touch
After children, parents often fall into "mom/dad mode," which can leave little room for affection and intimacy. Reintroduce regular physical touch in small ways. Simple gestures like hugging, kissing, or holding hands can reignite the connection between you and your partner. These moments of tenderness can make you feel more sexy and desired—emotionally and physically. Don’t feel pressure to immediately have a full sexual experience. Let the physical touch build slowly over time.
5. Reframe Your Relationship with Your Body
For many, the changes in your body after having children can make you feel self-conscious or disconnected. Stretch marks, weight changes, and the physical effects of childbirth can impact how you see your body. Let’s be honest, baby or no baby, improving body image is not a quick fix. While there’s no magic pill for embracing your body as it is, we can shift our focus. By focusing on the body’s strength and resilience—rather than just its appearance—we can develop a more positive relationship with it. Engage in activities to make you feel good in your overall appearance. There are so many ways to do this that don’t include changing your body shape. Get your nails done, hair blown out, or buy some new clothes that properly fit. Ladies this includes new bras! The tornado and tsunami that destroyed your breasts from pregnancy and postpartum have left them shaped and sized differently. Buy better fitting bras. (Let me acknowledge here that this assumes privilege that not everybody has).
6. Make Time for Intimacy
With children in the picture, finding time for intimacy can feel impossible. You might be exhausted or lack privacy. But prioritizing intimacy is crucial. Yes, I’m talking about scheduling sex. Schedules may not be sexy, but they can be extremely helpful when life feels overwhelming. Not only to have the time, but also for the emotional and cognitive shift that we can prepare for in knowing what’s coming.
Set aside regular time for connection. This could mean scheduling something as big as a date night, or as small as 10 minutes of alone time in the evening after the kids are asleep. And here’s a pro tip: For those 10 minutes, keep your phones in the other room.
7. Be Patient with Yourself
Bringing sexy back after children isn’t an overnight process. Expect ups and downs, and understand that life may get in the way sometimes. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Let’s set some realistic expectations: According to Emily Oster’s ParentData, a survey of over 26,000 parents found that parents with kids under one year old had sex on average 1-2 times a month. The frequency increased slightly as children got older (ages 1-4), and then again for parents of children ages 5+.
What does this mean for you? It means that your libido is your own. There is no "right" amount of sex—only what works for you and your partner. Don’t feel pressured to immediately return to pre-baby intimacy levels. Take it step by step, and celebrate the progress along the way.
Conclusion
Bringing sexy back after children is about nurturing yourself and your relationship with patience and intention. By prioritizing self-care, communicating openly, making time for intimacy, and having fun, you can rediscover the confidence and connection that will reignite passion in your relationship. Ultimately, it’s not about perfection; it’s about embracing the journey of rediscovering intimacy in a way that feels good for both you and your partner.
For questions, thoughts, or more information, please reach me through my website at melissastonepsyd.com or follow me @theperinatalcoach on Instagram.
References
Doss, B.D., & Rhoades, G. K. (2017). The transition to parenthood: Impact on couples’
romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 25-28.
Keizer, R. & Schenk, N. (2012). Becoming a parent and relationship satisfaction: A longitudinal dyadic perspective. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 74 759-773.
Mass, M.K., McDaniel, B.T., Feinberg, M.E., & Jones, D.E. (2015). Division of labor and
multiple domains of sexual satisfaction among first-time parents. Journal of Family Issues, 39, 104-127.
McBride, H.L, & Kwee, J.L. (2017). Sex after baby: Women’s sexual function in the postpartum period. Current sexual health reports, 9, 142-149.
Oster, E. Parent Data (February 2025) Source: Survey on Post-Child sex life.
Rosen, N.O.. Muise, M.D.. Vannier, S.A., Chambers, C.T., Scott, H. (2021).
#postbabyhankypanky: An empirically based knowledge sharing iniiative about sex and the transition to parenthood. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50, 45-55.
Schlagintweit, H. E., Bailey, K., & Rosen, N. O. (2016). A New Baby in the Bedroom:
Frequency and Severity of Postpartum Sexual Concerns and Their Associations With Relationship Satisfaction in New Parent Couples. The journal of sexual medicine, 13(10), 1455–1465.